How insecure can a person be? I know I’m one of the most insecure people in the entire world I just don’t let people see it. they all see me as the “hey bitch sort of person” but deep inside I am so unsure of myself I actually think of myself as crazy because I wasn’t like this before, the sort of thing people actually say to me, especially boys is, “OH WOW you changed” that’s good because I can just laugh and shrug about it and say ” Yeah whatever” even though I am secretly reveling in the attention I get. ever since I hit puberty people always fucking stared regardless of old men or women, they gave me more than a second look and I started noticing what they say and I have to say up until now at the age of 17 it’s still all new to me. but anyway since you people don’t know me it’s great that I can type this and let let loose! my biggest insecurity is my weight, there I said it, I hit the gym more than once a week but before even though I exercise I made this stupid decision in trying to lose more weight by making myself vomit if I ever decided to have a food binge.
So here we are I’m admitting that I was a bulimic. I started doing it when I was 15, even though people said I looked great I refused to believe them and I always thought that I needed to lose more even though they constantly say “NO you don’t need too anymore” but since my paranoid mind began taking control of me I decided to exercise 5 times a week and even worse on my off days I had huge food binges and ended up bent over a toilet throwing up whatever I ate. I know It was so horrid of me but I couldn’t help it, up until now I still think my weight is too much and even though people say I still look good there’s that lingering feeling that I need to do something more about it I’m that worried about everything especially my weight. there actually was a point in during that madness that I weighed around 97-100 pounds. I was that skinny, the Nurses and the Doctor who were my friends from HS were shocked at my weight loss and preferred my old weight to my new one they said my cheeks thinned out and I wasn’t that fresh and young looking anymore to the point that I was gaunt. even my friend worried about my weight and my beautiful friend Erika actually told me that I was bordering on the lines of becoming anorexic because I was that thin.My mom said that I lost some of my curves(which sucked) but I didn’t listen to them I kept on doing it until my own boyfriend back then found my secret out and he was so pissed off that he actually told my dad to send me to a shrink and a rehab clinic (Which I stubbornly refused to go too)but while I was there I actually saw the reality of my situation, it doesn’t matter how skinny you are since being skinny isn’t beautiful but being true to yourself is. It took a lot of time for people to make me see it that way ( which I still thank them for by the way) and now I see the whole truth of things thanks to them. being anorexic thin isn’t beautiful. it’s more horrifying and men prefer REAL WOMEN in their lives rather than unreal women. not to say that models or actresses aren’t real because they are without the glamour,illusions and photoshop, but they should never lose themselves to their careers or else they will never get the true satisfaction that they want in their life and that is to have the perfect relationship with themselves. that is why in the words of Rupaul Charles, Drag Queen Extraordinaire:
“If you can’t love yourself, How in the hell are you going to love somebody else?”
“Can I get an Amen up in here?”