the hysteric truths about the Red Queen

Do all of us have daddy issues? or is it just me? I want to write this down before I burst and do something completely stupid that might jeopradize any opportunities that I have for my future since everything is at risk. obviously you know I’m a girl, but what you didn’t know is that I had a difficult childhood(don’t we all) I know everything that happens to me is also going on for people in general but I think all of us deserve to be a little bit selfish. Do you ever get the feeling that your father doesn’t like you as much? well I get that feeling sometimes with my dad (he can be a bit snobby at times but I do love him) I know it’s because he’s always thinking about things. but why can’t he be as nice to me as he is to my brother or sister? it’s like there’s this favoritism in the family that’s always been unspoken of since people here know that if you bring up something like that it will cause a catastrophe of epic proportions. I can’t help but remember things that happened to me and him before. the fights that we had (HUGE ONES).

It’s been about boys. but what I don’t understand is why my father refuses to see that I was a kid and I HAVE hormones just like everyone else. sure it’s always been like that but I don’t get why he can’t be a little more understanding? is it because of the fact that I’m a girl? that girls aren’t suppose to act like this or do things this way, MY GOD is this the VICTORIAN era? it’s not certainly the time for corsets isn’t it? but why are men, especially fathers so keen on treating women like that? I know there is a lot of WHYS here but really don’t you ever wonder? I, as a person of the opposite sex would think about it. because it’s something worth pondering about, it’s like asking the question “what is love?” it’s so complex, annoying and it really makes you  use your brain cells more, and those cells of mine have been working hard on trying to please my father, I try to think of ways to show him how much I changed from the party girl who got busted to the girl who loves being with her siblings more than anything and who actually cares about her grades but still no matter what I do, I still don’t think he is proud of me. like they say there is always room for improvement, But how much more improvement would I need to finally get him to say he is so proud of me? can’t he see all the changes that I have done so he can at least be proud to call me his daughter? can’t he see the strength I still have over the years of trouble that we had in the past? I suppose he sees it, maybe he doesn’t want to acknowledge them yet, who knows he might be saving them for the right time(hopefully) but I just wish he could see how much I really love him and I don’t really want to fuck things up again, you know that’s one of the reasons why I started this blog. so I could just write and write whatever I felt without feeling bad about it. plus I wouldn’t go into HYSTERIA(Like Alice:MADNESS or SNOOKI(don’t ask). because all of you don’t know my name and that’s great because you lot wouldn’t judge me and I wouldn’t judge you for anything either. AND OMG it feels so fucking nice to actually have a place where I can write whatever I felt. not like my written  diaries. people tend to look at them, especially the ones who are  here in this house (BROWN NOSING)  not that I don’t love them because I really do.I hope I don’t seem  too selfish I just wanted to say what I felt.

AMEN.

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