The ramblings of Alice.

I never thought that this morning would be the time that I would actually cry again(HAPPENED TOO SOON) I changed my mind about going to the states for my birthday since it seems so impractical especially with the new term coming in. (I just hope that a special person would try to understand and see that him GOING here would be an awesome present as it is) so anyway back to me crying, I guess it wouldn’t seem much of a big deal to other people  but it was for me. remember that post I made about how my dad doesn’t see the real me? well I guess he just proved it because I ended up crying twice today because my own father doesn’t think I can stand on my own and he doesn’t think I’m responsible or that I’m doing anything with my life.

It frustrated me how this man who claims to be my father can’t see all these changes I made to adjust to what he wants and truthfully that isn’t me, I thought people were suppose to be who they really are, I guess they can’t be when they are around parents who can discourage you like how someone stomps on a bug by accident. I’m sure they don’t know what they are doing and they obviously must think that they are right on all accounts ( well at least that is how my dad is) My father has a huge ego and I have known that for a long time. he means well I know, but sometimes when he knows I am right. He just won’t admit it.

Why is it that he has to be like this with me? it’s like I’m a bird stuck in a giant cage,free to move but in a limited space, that’s what I told my mother, I started crying the minute she told me how proud she was of me when I told her that I made this blog and those words are the very words I am dying to hear from my father, I want to hear how proud he is of me, but he doesn’t see it I get so tongue tied around him and If you are going to ask why it’s because of the fact that I am too scared to know what his reaction would be and my Father doesn’t take some of my  opinions well( you know what I mean.) but my dear sweet mother and memorable friend gave me some wonderful advice. My mother felt so sad hearing that I am having such a difficult time because she knows what I am going through since she went through this also and what she said caught my attention she told me  that ” I shouldn’t expect too much” and I don’t expect too much from my dad. I just want him to give me that same feeling he gives to my siblings, the feeling that you aren’t left out and that he is proud of you. but my father barely shows me that but when he does it’s the sweetest feeling in the world. I know it’s like I am starved for his attention, it’s just like what Elizabeth I felt she had a similar relationship with her father, sometimes she was up and sometimes she down, that’s how life was for her and in turn that made her a stronger person than her own sister Mary. and that’s what my mother said to me that i’ll grow stronger from this experience because I will learn from it and that even though this frustrates me I shouldn’t stop what I’m doing because it’s not for other people it’s for myself. My Mother told me that you can’t please everyone and I know that but like I said it just sucks that it’s my own father that I can’t totally please. and I know I’m a bit wanting but god aren’t we all like that?

PLEASE MAKE THINGS BETTER DAMN IT.

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