I’ve been thinking about the situations and issues I’ve been going through lately and I have been thinking if I should post it or not, that’s why I’ve been a bit evasive and writing somewhat lacking blog posts, Now that I finally cleared my head I decided to make this post to finally get things out in the open. I’m 17 turning 18 in a matter of weeks, And as I would say “New Age, New life or as other people would say “Out with the old in with the new.” Since I’m turning 18 it is time to leave ridiculous manners of the heart and juvenile early teenage behavior in a box labeled “PAST”, Think of it as Bridget Jones disposing her old self help books that are titled “Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus” or “In the mind of Men” plus losing an amazing amount of weight starting tomorrow.
My life as a 17 year old last year was riddled with mistakes, poor decisions and unfortunately a weak bladder. I know that some people who despise me may be reading this blog and I want them to know that I don’t really care, So anyway it has been an eventful year especially these last 4 months, I won’t give out too many details about it because well I just don’t bloody want too. But I will tell you this.. Humans make mistakes,no matter how big or small they may be, it can affect our futures and I learned that the difficult way, The past 6 months were filled with me trying to redefine myself as a person, a Daughter,a grand daughter,a friend,a sister and a student, It has been during these times that I met “HIM”. I’ve been trying to reinvent myself as a person when I met him, I decided to allow him into my life, while I was still working on my relationship with myself, I tried handling him and everything else and in the end I got fucked over. Dear readers I made a horrible mistake during my relationship with him, It was a lie that was told often to become the truth, I thought I could be happy with him, but I realized I still wasn’t happy with myself, my relationship with myself needs a lot of patching up to do and It didn’t help that I had problems with him also,People say that when you change for the better,you would finally be happy but He changed for the worst and I changed as well.. it was a catalyst for disaster and he fails to see that but it is understandable that he would rather protect himself from me and whatever dangers I pose, He said he would never hurt me and that he would never leave me but those were the biggest lies I have ever heard, but I never doubted his love though I still think it was true but he’s just too scared to let me in and I understand that because I felt the same way before, The anger, rejection and finally the stinging wound of betrayal would coarse through his mind until the flames of his thoughts extinguish, I just wish he could forgive me but I know that he can’t. I don’t know why I write about him nor do I know why I felt so conflicted maybe it was the small hope that he would be the guy I met from the beginning, I wish he never changed.. It became too much and I didn’t like it, he drove me insane, I drove him mad but what I want to say to him is that I apologize for my abominable behavior to him and I wish him all the best. I won’t hold on anymore even though it hurts, even though I may still have feelings for him, I just don’t know what those feelings are but I sincerely wish him the best, He always wanted me to write about him and I finally have even though writing this blog post is too much. He deserves happiness and so do I, in fact everyone deserves a little drop of happiness every now and then, but this blog about you my dear..will be the 1st one I posted about you but its a farewell letter as well. dear me I still do love you.. (or I think its love) but it is time to start anew.