I would like to say a heart felt apology to everyone that experienced being around me during my early years and today. Yes I know that I’m in my wilderness years and to some of you, most especially to my parents I have been nothing but a pain in the ass, with constant threats, paranoia and increasing fear, I learned to resent you and utter hateful words about you behind your back. Your concern for me I see it as a hinderance mainly because you try to prevent inevitable things that you are doing right now. Even as I write this I can’t help but think “damn, why can’t you just accept things for how they are? Why can’t you see that the reason I barely tell you guys anything is because of fear? Both of you scare me, but yet I love you both. Hey dad, did you know I wanted to make amends already on your birthday before you said you wanted me out? I was actually thinking of writing you a birthday card and buying a belinda carlisle vinyl record. To be perfectly honest I wouldn’t know if you will throw it out or keep it. Would you accept me again? Your prodigal daughter of 19 years.
Hey mom, did you know that I do have suicidal thoughts and I resent you for not being the mother you are supposed to be? A lot of people have been telling me to make the first move because of the reason that YOU are only THE child but then again being the child that I am.. Instead I learned to shut you out. Some would say my heart is turning into stone and I have been hearing that a lot, I let my fear control me, it stopped me from doing what is actually right and deep down I knew that, I was just too much of a pussy to overcome it. I can’t help experimenting with life and I’m sure you couldn’t too.
Dad, no matter what you say, Life is truly an adventure. It has its ups and downs, just like what happened to you. You’re always the one telling me to do what I want. Yet why do you try to reign me in too much. How can you act so righteous, when you know you have done wrong things too. It’s the same that goes for you mom. I love you both, you nourished me to life yet I have a feeling that if you ever spotted this online you would probably get mad at me for writing my heart out with this very blog post..I don’t even think that you remember that writing is one of my strong points anymore.
I think both of you forgot me and your devout attention was focused on my younger siblings instead. You showered them with more love than you have ever shown me.. it sucks but I have to deal with it, after all being the black sheep of a “holy” family has standards.
Do you honestly think I don’t know or care about what you think? I do.. but the problem is It doesn’t stop me from doing things to myself in order to learn. I’m young I acknowledge that, but being young isn’t a crime.
I hope you see that.